Guest Article: The hero(s) you need.
Note from Christianna: "There was something that stuck when I read Andres's comment on my most recent post about connection. A heavy weighted anointing in the wisdom he shared in just a few lines, and I knew it wasn't just me who needed to hear his thoughts, but as many people as possible. I asked him to write for me three things he feels we need to know in relationship...and now I feel dissatisfied and want 10,000. This article made me cry. It made me laugh, and it filled up a page in my notebook with notes and revelation. Allow yourself to be spoken to in these next few moments. Open your heart, open your mind. If you are willing...this may be the hero that your relationship needs."
Hello lovey people. My name is Andres, and I value deep and meaningful relationships and I feel honored
to be able to share about this with you all. Relationships are not all about dating, but rather the art of
connection between people.
This topic of relationships has come up several times over the past week. My wife and I have had three
different people from different friend circles express how refreshing and needed their connection with
my wife or myself has been, and that they have found dissatisfaction in the state of their current
What I have come to find out is that not all connection is created equal.
What I have come to find out is that not all connection is created equal. We have all had those
friendships that are surface level. You know the ones I’m talking about…. you talk about what is new in
your life, maybe a topic of interest that you share and that’s about as far as you go. These relationships
are fine to have in your life, but I have come to learn that part of who you are is found in being known
by people within the context of relationships.
I was asked the top three things I would like people to know about this topic on being known by close
relationships in life.
1. You must be intentional.
I have often heard the phrase “I want this relationship to be ‘organic’”. My wife decided last
year that she wanted to grow a garden. She went out and got the fruit and veggies she wanted
to grow and was ready to plant. She then had to find out what was the best soil for these plants
to grow in. After the vegetables started to grow, she ran into an aphid problem that had started
to ruin some of her produce. She had to go and buy certain flowers that would attract the right
insects to eat the aphids.
The reason for this story is that most people think that an “organic” relationship means that
they sit on the sidelines waiting for the relationship to fall from the sky into their lap and then
they will one day get the connection they yearn for. This is not the case. What I learnt from my
wife is that “organic” equals a lot of hard work, effort, intentionality, and patience. We must be
brave enough to risk with those we wish to know us. This may mean you reach out to connect
over coffee. It may mean you share a little more of yourself and what is happening in your
world. The responsibility of the state of the relationship lies with you.
2. Trust is given not earnt.
For the longest time I believed that my trust was earnt. That people had to pay the right price to
receive my trust. However, as I have reflected on my marriage for the past 10 years and all we
have gone through I came to realize that trust was given, not earnt. The truth is I could try and
fulfill all the things I need to do to earn my wife’s trust, but she never has to give it unless she
chooses to. That means that trust is a choice and not something we earn.
Our responsibility when we receive others trust is to steward that trust in a way that will allow
the person to give us more, which leads to deeper connection. Those who mismanage trust will
then only get so close as to protect your heart, but trust is ultimately something that you choose
3. You can't be vulnerable with others if you haven't been vulnerable with yourself.
Vulnerability is defined as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. We have become aware
that to be known within relationships is to be vulnerable in them. However, you can only be
vulnerable with others to the extent that you have been vulnerable with yourself and God.
Others cannot know who you really are if you have not taken the time to know yourself.
I have heard it said that being known is when others see the good, the bad and the ugly. But
have you stopped to see the good, the bad and the ugly in you? Even as I write this, I am faced
with how confronting that statement is. This feels so revealing, however, it is the only way that
we can know ourselves, who we are and what we bring into relationships. When we come to
God, this is where we come know who we really are and can allow Him to speak into those areas
so we can know who He has called us to be.
As we endeavor have more deep and meaningful relationships, I want to challenge you. Be intentional
with those who you wish to have in your life. Give them your trust instead of making them jump through
hoops for it. Be vulnerable with yourself and with God, and come face to face with who you are so you
can really be vulnerable with those around you.